Love is a Red Herring
In popular media, we often see love portrayed viscerally and passionately. While this type of love can give us a momentary high, we need to remember the more important types of love that are unspoken and boring.
The English language uses “love” for multiple meanings, which can be confusing because different feelings are associated with the same word. In contrast, ancient Greek had 8 distinct words for love:
- Eros — romantic, passionate, sexual, carnal
- Philia — deep friendship
- Storge — unconditional, familial
- Agape — selfless, universal, love for everyone
- Ludus — playful, flirtatious
- Pragma — committed, long-lasting love
- Philautia — self love
- Mania — obsessive love
Eros
Eros is what we are inundated with by Hollywood films, YouTube, social media, and pop music. Visually, it may look like a high peak and spikes, followed by a significant drop.
Fits nicely into our culture of instant gratification. There’s a huge dopamine hit, then the discontent and couples therapy begins. We sometimes see people on online dating apps chasing the eros they saw in Disney cartoons and boy bands.
Philia, Storge, Pragma, Philautia
If we observe our parents, friends, coworkers, and older people, we often see the love that’s hidden in plain sight. The small talk about the friend (philia), spouse, parent, or kid. The personal stories and self-growth journeys (philautia). The drive to the store. The moments of silence when eating a meal together (storge). While these types of love have ups and downs, it builds slowly and mundanely over a lifetime.
Boring Love
In the critically acclaimed film Parasite’s commentary on society, one smaller theme is the comparison of the love between the rich parents and the poor parents.
In one scene, the rich parents engage in eros while the poor family hid under the table. Eros is presented like a luxury, afforded to the privileged and wealthy. Nowhere in the movie did we see eros in the poor family, but is their love any less?
Missing the Forest for the Trees
The beauty of life is our mental journey in viewing things in new lights and new angles. We can get distracted by 1st-level concepts, but miss the deeper levels that are often in plain sight.
With the privilege of living in a democracy with a stable family, you get to choose your own types of love.
For me, I believe romantic love (eros, ludus) is a red herring: a misdirection from the deeper love (storge, pragma, philautia) that’s unspoken and mundane. I believe in the love between best friends, parent and child, me and myself, me and the divine. This love is elegantly depicted in Return to Dust (2022), between the poor peasant who can’t find a wife and a disabled woman living in her brother’s backyard.
